Non-Celibacy

My celibacy is on purpose. You see, it is most certainly not an accident.

Too many years of faking #newyearnewme led me to bed after bed of bullshit and lies.

“My lies.”

Lies I told myself saying “I can handle it” as he licks his lips and leans in, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.”

The same bullshit I’ve heard time after time and yet here I am settling for yet another number.

You see, I wanted the love that I prayed for.

Someone to compliment my love language, who would speak words of adoration AND lust!

“You see, I wanted the lust but I also wanted the love.”

Unwilling to wait, so I allowed bullshit in my sheets. Knowing my worth but burying it beneath me.

Maybe my heart wasn’t tough enough. I always caught feelings and when I fell it was to the depths. You see, some can handle one-night-stands and casual sex.

Maybe they were stronger or maybe I was just too weak to live my truth.

“Truth hidden beneath pain that was insecure, lonely, and horny, so I allowed a quick fix in my space.

Into the place I shouldn’t have given so freely.

Bouncing through bodies, ignoring the need to heal. Insane repetitive actions like an addict handles toxins.

Five-minute passions for years of self-destruction. Tugging and pulling at my broken heart.

I started believing that there would never be a man would change his relationship status for me.

I’m lost in this unfamiliar reality.

“Celibate, but defying it.”

I don’t want to hop from bed-to-bed, in between sheets that fill me with temporary relief. I want to be sustained and filled with perfect fit.

This celibacy hurts; it’s certainly not typical me, but you see,

“the love I desire now overpowers the sex that I want.”

I refuse to just add on another body.

I refuse to manifest in a space where I allow my insecurities to control me.

So for now, dear no one, it’s me and celibacy.

Ta'lor Pinkston

Hey beautiful! I am Ta'lor Pinkston, MSW|founder of LADYHOOD journey, LLC|Women’s Inspirational Self-love|Poet|Prospective Self-love Coach|Feminist|Equality Advocate|Women’s & Family Therapist LADYHOOD journey, LLC focuses on helping college girls, mothers, and every woman to incorporate self-love into their lifestyle. The topics discussed include Women's Empowerment, Beauty Standards, Body Love, Equality, Mommyhood, and Healthy Relationships. I want women and all my readers to leave my site feeling inspired, uplifted, supported, and empowered in every stage of life. I love to spend time with my daughter, going to local bars and restaurants with family & friends, online shopping, photography, writing poetry, sipping Tea , sitting on my porch, trying new wines, and listening to music from artists like Chance the Rapper, SZA, Pentatonix, H.E.R, Alessia Cara, Sabrina Claudio, Jhene Aiko, Frank Ocean, Coldplay, and Kings of Leon.

6 thoughts on “Non-Celibacy

  1. I want to share this on my page and with some of my friends. People think that I’m crazy and always ask me how do I go without sex for so long. Sex is emotional and spiritual. If we do not connect in those ways I keep my body to myself. Needless to say I’m celibate. This was beautifully written by the way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome to do a Reblog sis! I would so love that! Thank you so much for your kind words and yes, I want every woman to understand that their choices impact their future. My choices led me to this space and I am still doing everything I can to get out of this space.

      Like

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