Celibate and Hating It

My celibacy is on purpose. You see, it is most certainly not an accident.

Too many years of faking #newyearnewme led me to bed after bed of bullshit and lies.

My lies.

Lies I told myself saying “I can handle it” as he licks his lips and leans in, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.”

The same bullshit I’ve heard time after time and yet here I am settling for yet another number.

You see, I wanted the love that I prayed for.

Someone to compliment my love language, who would speak words of adoration AND lust!

You see, I wanted the lust but I also wanted the love.

Unwilling to wait, so I allowed bullshit in my sheets. Knowing my worth but burying it beneath me.

Maybe my heart wasn’t tough enough. I always caught feelings and when I fell it was to the depths. You see, some can handle one-night-stands and casual sex.

Maybe they were stronger or maybe I was just too weak to live my truth.

Truth hidden beneath pain that was insecure, lonely, and horny, so I allowed a quick fix in my space.

Into the place I shouldn’t have given so freely.

Bouncing through bodies, ignoring the need to heal. Insane repetitive actions like an addict handles toxins.

Five-minute passions for years of self-destruction. Tugging and pulling at my broken heart.

I started believing that there would never be a man would change his relationship status for me.

I’m lost in this unfamiliar reality.

Celibate, but defying it.

I don’t want to hop from bed-to-bed, in between sheets that fill me with temporary relief. I want to be sustained and filled with perfect fit.

This celibacy hurts; it’s certainly not typical me, but you see,

the love I desire now overpowers the sex that I want.

I refuse to just add on another body.

I refuse to manifest in a space where I allow my insecurities to control me.

So for now, dear no one, it’s me and celibacy.


9 thoughts on “Celibate and Hating It

  1. I want to share this on my page and with some of my friends. People think that I’m crazy and always ask me how do I go without sex for so long. Sex is emotional and spiritual. If we do not connect in those ways I keep my body to myself. Needless to say I’m celibate. This was beautifully written by the way!

    1. You are welcome to do a Reblog sis! I would so love that! Thank you so much for your kind words and yes, I want every woman to understand that their choices impact their future. My choices led me to this space and I am still doing everything I can to get out of this space.

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