What I Allowed

How could I allow that shit?

How the fuck could I allow you to come into my space, to come to my place, and come into my bed?

How could I allow it?

Was it dumb blind love? No, I wasn’t blind…

Was it the need for attention?

Was it the loneliness?

Could I get so fucking low that I allow just anyone in my bed?

I allowed someone who didn’t love me to come in between me learning to love me.

How the fuck could I get so low?

Did my self-worth become nonexistent?

Did every value fade into the distance?

Who was that chick?

It’s like I don’t know her…

I certainly don’t want to be her.

It’s like I can’t see her…

I can’t wrap my head around what the fuck she allowed; what she would allow due to loneliness.

I constantly ponder how did I get here, but I know, it was me.

It’s what I allowed.

It’s what I gave into.

It’s what I had no regard of stopping, preventing, or trying to overcome, because I wanted to be in love more than I wanted to know my worth.

I guess any bullshit love would do…

I allowed you to come in the door, in my space, in my bed, in my heart, in my body, in my life entire life, even when you told me it was not me who you saw yourself getting down on a bended knee…

But now I see.

No longer allowing toxins to embed in my inner most being.

6 Thoughts

  1. Read this poem and it really hit home for me. Great read & I️ feel you, sometimes certain situations we put ourselves in make us question like damn is it me? Am I️ crazy? Do I️ not love myself? You are loved, just sometimes we get a little caught up. Great read tho.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hell yeah sis we get caught up, and it is so hard when we are struggling with determining our self-worth when we are in a relationship; that is something that should be established before we commit ourselves to someone else. Thank you for reading sis, I so appreciate you and your kind words.

      Like

  2. This is raw and beautiful all wrapped up into one. I’ve gone through similar pain for what I hoped to become love. After 2 divorces, I’m still learning. Thank you for shariing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for reading sis! Our journeys can be so different and yet so similar. We never stop learning and there is so much beauty in just that. I am trying my best to be more transparent in my blog posts because I know that we can all learn from one another and grow stronger together. Love you sis

      Like

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