Have Control Over Your Bed

A College Girls Guide to Dating 

Rule #14: HAVE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN YOUR BED! Do not have a sleep-over just to have some company!

I have spent a lot of time wishing that I had more self-control when I was in college…

Women love to declare our desire to live our lives the way we want to. We all say it, and even songs proclaim us to be women who are in control of our own lives…

“Who run the world? Girls!” -Beyoncé Knowles

“I am superwoman, yes I am” -Alicia Keys

“all the woman who independent, throw your hands up at me” – Destiny’s Child

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me” -Aretha Franklin

“I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to fly.”  Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna

I feel that this proclamation of control is a myth, when you consider what we feel after we give in to the FWB relationship.

What Aretha Franklin, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj and Alicia Keys sing/rap about, is to demand respect, have self-control, and know what we want. 

I know that some will read this and think, men do this all the time, and we as women should be able to have a one-night-stand or a FWB just like they can. This is true, but in most cases, as women, we become attached because it is difficult not to fall for someone you are sleeping with!

Friends with Benefits in College

During my freshman year,  I let guys in my bed and my heart, even though the only meal we had together was in the Student Union on campus.

Yeah, he had a flawless smile, eyes that would make your panties drop, and he spoke the words or spit game that any girl who was a little heartbroken or lonely, would melt to hear.
I loved love the attention, and let’s be honest, with a little alcohol in my system, the game was easy to fall for.

What I didn’t realize was that even though we have the right to have one-night-stands and friends-with-benefits, often times, we wake up the next morning feeling a lack of satisfaction, emptiness, and regret.
I had a few friends-with-benefits or FWBs and although I don’t regret it because even though I had to learn the hard way, it taught me what I really wanted out of a relationship.

Can you Handle the terms of a FWB?

Even though I was not the type of girl that could handle having a FWB, there were some girls on campus that could for an extended period of time, but it never lasts…someone always wants more.

In any relationship, the first step is knowing what you want. 

If you want a FWB, you need to know what you are asking for:

  • Limited conversation.
  • No dates.
  • Late night calls.
  • No PDA.
  • No ties.

Getting calls late a night to hook up and then being asked to leave after…can you handle it?

Being overlooked in public…can you handle it?

Taking the walk-of-shame the next morning, with makeup schmered and panties in your purse…can you handle it?

If this is what you want, cool, if not, steer clear from the guy who only wants to get you in his bed. But how?

Ignoring the Attention

Having self-control is so important in dating because you have a standard that you are unwilling to dismiss.

As I stated prior, I loved the attention I got from college guys. During your first year as a freshman, you get most attention compared than upper-classwomen. It can be difficult to ignore this level attention.

Who we allow in our beds tends to be based on our need to not be alone… (most females will never admit this).

In this male dominated society, men have the upper hand culturally. There has yet to be a female President, for example. Men like James Brown who sang, “this is a mans world…” knew that that men would not allow women to control society, due to the typical male ego. But, he then proclaimed “but it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing, without a woman or a girl,” because he also knew that women have the ultimate power in a relationship… the vagina. 

For example, most often, if a guy calls a girl to get some, he is more likely to be turned down, than if a girl calls a guy to get some…most guys would reply with a resounding YES!

Why else do men drive fast cars, wear the best clothing, get their hair cut, or even take a shower? They do it all to get our attention.

Most guys will go above and beyond to get you in their bed. They will give you all the attention you can handle and say just about anything to ensure that you sleep with them.

Girls do the same thing. We are all just trying to be noticed. Booty shorts, low cut tops, short skirts, heels, crop tops….do we wear these for ourselves or for guys?

If you want a real relationship, don’t fall for the game. That is all it is, game. If a guy wants more than just to get you in his bed, he will give you more than just attention:

  • He will call you at odd hours.
  • He will ask you about your dreams.
  • He will claim you to his friends.
  • He will walk around campus with you.
  • He will take you out on a date, off campus.
  • He will proclaim that he wants a girlfriend.

We all love attention, but men and women are not the same, we are different, and our differences need to be viewed equally.

There are things that most men can do, that many women can’t, like be in a FWB relationship, without becoming emotionally attached.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more in a relationship, but you cannot try to turn a FWB into a real relationship, it doesn’t work.

Know your Worth

Know what you want in a relationship, this is how you determine your worth. If you know what you want, you know who you are.

Spreading your legs all over campus because you want company, is not knowing your worth. You are just filling a void with bodies.

Take control of what is not easily controlled by protecting your heart, feelings, and emotions! Protect yourself as a woman, including the most intimate part of you, your vagina. 

  • Stop falling for the game.
  • Treat yourself like the queen you are.
  • Stop letting men take you to their beds without knowing what you want.
  • Demand chivalry, and you will get it.
  • Fall in love with yourself.

Gaining true control over who we allow in our beds is a battle within the individual and easier said than done. It took years for me to understand and adapt into my new thought process.

My lack of understanding, self-worth and self-love, held me back in my college relationships, but it shaped who I am and made me a better woman.

Please visit College 101 for Freshman Females to read the full list of rules for dating in college!

9 thoughts on “Have Control Over Your Bed

  1. Wow, I wish I’d heard or read this when I was in college. But who knows if I would’ve believed you. Knowing what you want, that is rare for someone just starting out. As for one night stands and FWBs it’s a no win. You can lie to yourself that it doesn’t mean anything but it does. This person is sharing half their DNA with you, that’s not nothing IMO.

    When you have sex with someone your brain secretes oxytocin (the bonding chemical) because there’s the chance you could conceive with this person. And the part of your brain that knows it’s a one night stand, or that he’s got on a condom or your partner is your same sex doesn’t talk to the emotional attachment part and tell it to stand down. So it creates a sort of loose end, with the emotional attachment part going, ‘Hey, I got this all set up; where’s my husband and my baby?’

    Having sex with people for company is just going to eventually leave you with a bunch of frayed edges. Pinkspen is right, figure out what you want and then find the one who wants the same.

    1. I am glad you responded this way. I probably wouldn’t have believed me either….lol…. FWBs never worked for me….it was definitely a losing battle. I wasted so much time needing company and when i look back on it, I didn’t gain much of anything but the knowledge to share with others that they should evaluate what they really want before entering that kind of relationship! Thank you for reading JParle011317 much appreciated.

    1. (I am smiling ear-to-ear) Thank you so much for your kind words. I really try to do my best to be well rounded when tackling the concerns we as women face due to popular culture and the media. Thank you, Thank you, Thank YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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