Why are we so quick to jump into a new relationship after a breakup? Even if it’s casual-dating, hookups, and one-night-stands, why do we feel the need to find a replacement to help us heal over the pain of our past relationships? We hear things like:
it’s time to get back out there.
the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
These are just some of the barriers that block the lessons inside of singleness. I remember my last breakup. All of my friends urged me to seek new relationships … BULL SHIT. I was so afraid of being alone that I was looking for connection while I was still healing over the pain of my last relationship, I was avoiding a hard lesson that there was a reason that I was single; and it wasn’t unworthiness.
allow yourself to be lonely so you can learn the lessons you need after a breakup.
After a breakup, it is normal to feel vulnerable, lonely, and down. If you feel like being lonely is a bad thing, it’s not, it is a opportunity. For me, breakups always caused me to go through the 7 Stages of Grief and Loss, according to Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler, shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Instead of taking the time to focus on healing, I would jump from body-to-body and bed-to-bed. I did not give myself the space I needed or allow myself to find the lesson in my singleness.
When I was in my undergrad at California University of PA, I had a few intimate relationships. My high school boyfriend and I broke up during the first semester of my freshman year because I was young and felt overwhelmed by the drama between us. Instead of giving myself time to experience loneliness, process my decision, and heal, I jumped into another relationship one month later.
I always wanted to be in a relationship, but what I needed was to be single.
By not giving myself the space after the breakup, I did not give myself the opportunity to determine if my breakup with my high school sweetheart was what I really wanted. My new relationship had ended and because of my uncertainty, it opened up the door to a heartache that I was unprepared for. I was introduced to a life of one-night-stands and FWBs (friends-with-benefits) relationships with jerks who said ‘I’ll hit you up’ but never did. That was not what I desired, but I settled for less to have company because it wasn’t as bad as being lonely.
choosing singleness + LONEliness
My last breakup was my most difficult one; the one with my daughters father. My heart needed the time and instead of giving myself what I wanted, sex; I made the choice to give myself what I needed, self-love. Being lonely is a part of self-love.
STOP RUNNING FROM THE PAIN. Of course, even in relationship a healthy singleness + self-love are essential, but being single gives you an even greater opportunity to learn who you are and what you need and that begins with LONELINESS. If you come into a relationship broken, then you will break the other person. Hurt people, hurt people.
The most important earthly relationship is the one with yourself.
If you have been single for a long time, recently single, or feeling lonely and you are wondering why, you are on the right track. Asking yourself ‘why’ is self-awareness; the first branch of self-love but, it also requires honesty. Of course being single can be difficult but so is being in a relationship. Here are three tips from a single woman if you are single like me desire relationship:
- Find a mentor or a counselor. Stop talking to your friends and family all the time about your relationships; their biases can steer you in the wrong direction because they love you. You need an unbiased party to help assess your needs + desires.
- Prioritize Self-Reflection; an essential aspect of self-care. What do you desire in relationship? What don’t you desire in relationship? What did you allow?
- Never settle for less than you desire. It’s tough, but you are worth it.
Stop being afraid of being lonely.
Stop fearing loneliness. You are a sole being. Even if you are a twin you are still an individual. Yes, being alone is much different than feeling lonely, but don’t be insecure about that emotion; we all experience these feelings and in order to deal with them, we have to face them as opposed to running away from them. Give yourself permission to be lonely and do the Heart Work while you are there before you enter a new relationship.
-Ta’lor L. Pinkston, The Heart Advocate
If you are struggling with a breakup, with accepting singleness, or feel alone whether you are in a relationship or single, I would like to introduce you to my Heart Advocate program, No Bullshit Self-love. This is a 12 session virtual program that provides an understanding of self-love and how to apply it personally and professionally. Loneliness can feel overwhelming without self-love. Click HERE to learn more about the program and how to begin today.